START: 10:46am.
I have been up for an extremely long time now. I do not recall the last time I slept but because I haven't slept we, including myself, all must face the consequences. For those who do not understand what I am talking about, please concentrate on how much I persistently babble on about mediocre situations such as this. When I stay up for long endless periods of time (87.4 hours being my record set on the days of December 8th to December 12th, 1999) my mind begins to wander and stray into vast unfamiliar territory. To some it could be classified as a psychotic episode. Well, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you my very own psychosis.
I was contemplating of what I should write about. As you can plainly see from my previous blogs, my sole subject varies between category. I figured , based from my last blog, I should copy it in another unique way. Instead of referring to someone this time, I will tell the true stories of the Best and Worst moments of my life. Many after reading this would... well many who just read this probably haven't gotten this far... but many after reading this would express thoughts such as, "Oh, Josh is exaggerating. He never went through this. All he is is just one giant fish story." Believe me when I tell you, friends, that everything I write, everything I have ever written is all based off facts and emotions. More often then not, even as I am writing I can be very emotional and often cry. So as you read these, please remember that what I write takes courage from me.
MY TOP... BEST MEMORIES
#10: No shred of doubt about it. Hands down, the very best of the best memory I have ever gone through was witnessing the birth of my son, Austin Tyler. His mother, Nicole, was given induced labor on December 28th, 2004. I remember seeing her belly swollen up to the size of a Buick and slanted to one side because Austin had not fully turned. It was a really long night matched with an even longer day. Nikki was in labor for over 16 hours and by the end of the first hour, both her and I would exhausted. But I stuck with her every step of the way. Okay, I'll admit I got maybe three extra minutes of sleep longer than her, but only because I was woken up by her using the restroom in the delivery room in the middle of the night. From then on, it was all anticipation being raised. By early morning (December 29th [my mother and Nikki's best friend Maggie is also in the room]) Nikki's labor pains begun to rise at a various rate. She was put on oxygen and cranked up to the eyeballs with I.V.'s. She was becoming clammy and extremely fatigued. But, and I will even say it to this day, Nikki is a fighter and survivor like me. Nikki held on so much with what was going on, with the doctors and nurses and midwife coming to check on her whenever there was a problem with anything. So needless to say, they were checking on us every two seconds. By around 10am, Nikki was finally given the choice of taking something for the pain... a.k.a. the epidural. As much as she pleaded, Nikki finally agreed to it. Mind you, because of the sanitation issue, this was the ONLY time I left her side and it was only for 15 minutes. When I came back into the room with my mother and Maggie, Nikki was all set up with her epidural. We're saying, "Okay, this is it. This is the home stretch." Wrong! We still have to endure several more hours. After we came back, just about everyone was beyond exhausted at this point. Nobody slept and even some nurses keep going past their shift just to make sure everything was fine.
Listening to the heart monitor, we can hear Austin thumping like a locomotive inside mommy's tummy. But by mid afternoon there's a problem. Which each contraction that Nikki has, Austin's heart rate plummets. Now doctors and nurses are paying particularly close watch on what is going on. All throughout the time that I left for those short 15 minutes, the first and only thing I did was hold Nikki's hand. I never once let go. We have reached the point of nearly 3:30 in the afternoon. Nikki is in excruciating pain, she is fatigued like we all are, she is shallow-breathing with each contraction. Looking back on that moment alone, this was the time I really became frightened. It was also around this time that the entire maternity ward shut down and prepared for a possible emergency C-section because Austin still had not fully turned.
This next part is as serious as serious can get and I am not trying to embarrass or hurt anyone in any way by this. After they had made Nikki's pregnancy a priority, the midwife came in and examine the situation thoroughly. What the midwife did next was both fascinating and disgusting. With one hand placed on her belly and just two fingers from her other hand placed inside her birth canal, the midwife began massaging Nikki, turning Austin inside at the same time. The sight that my eagle eyes witnessed were clamped open as I saw the roll of Nikki's belly shift, even only for a small length in rotation. I looked back at my son's mother and saw the agonizing look of pain in her eyes. With a little help, Austin had finally turned to the point of when it was safe to start pushing.
During the long minutes of pushing, it was a constant team effort. With me forcing back one of Nikki's legs and her mother, Tammy (who arrived earlier), forcing back the other. We were cheering her on. Doctors, nurses, the midwife, Maggie, Katie (Nikki's other friend), we were all getting into it like some football rally. Nikki squeezed and squeezed (and at one serious point lost her breath even while at full oxygen). The entire floor could hear us as we cheered and encouraged Nikki. She kept pushing and pushing, even after she lost her breath, Nikki never stopped. Finally, Austin began to crown. The hard part of nearly over. Just one more big push and...
After an exhausting 41 minutes, Austin flopped onto the delivery bed like a sack of potatoes. When I finally saw my son for the first time in the flesh and after all that excitement, my emotions shut down completely. I collapsed onto Nikki's chest with tears just pouring out of me. I kissed her again and again and again. I didn't know what I felt. To this day, I don't know what I must have felt. I was so overwhelmed with emotions it was unbearable. I am 28 and a half years old as of this blog. I have lived for almost three decades now. But I have to admit, as I begin to cry re-realizing it, those 16 hours and 41 minutes of my life will be the most exciting moment of my entire life.
I was going to continue this with a few more, but given the fact that many don't like to read much online, I'll bring this out in segments. If you have a memory of me, please share it and I will add that into the mix for the next one. Thank you for reading.
STOP: 12:06pm
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
I have been contemplating for a long time of how I could write this new addition to my blog without greatly offending anyone. For privacy reasons I will not reveal the identity of anyone I will be talking about, but for some it may be pretty obvious as to whom I am referring to. For others, I will send you a message in your inbox and indicate where your story is located by paragraph.
1st Story: For many, many years you and I became naturally enemies. Starting in elementary school and going all the way to 8th grade, it was almost non-stop school yard chaos between us. We were arch-rivals and everybody knew about it yet no one did anything to stop it, including teachers and staff. To this day I am deeply surprised our confrontations never resulted into anything physical. During the time I spent after school and away from you, I hated you for raising my anger to an unusual peak. My hatred toward you was so unbearable at times, but I never once brought that hatred back to the school yards, because I always thought that perhaps one day things would change between us. The days you drove me beyond my breaking point I wished something good would come out even more. For many years, nothing and I was left with a five-day torment every week. But something good did come out of it and a big change occurred. We became very good friends in high school. We did not fight once. We respected each other and laughed together. Throughout everything you and I have been through, I only have one thing to say to you: I am blessed to have you part of my life and honored to be your friend.
2nd Story: October 31, 1998. A notorious and well-known story that keeps reminding me of one of the most special moments in my life. You were the first one I ever asked to marry. I unfortunately screwed that up by doubting our relationship and being overloaded with self-induced suspicions as well as false information by third parties. My mental instability took a violent turn into a world of schizophrenia and delusions. I was unable to control the way I thought or felt due to all the stress I allowed to consume me. As a result I created a fictional character I called "John Stallion" and proceeded to unleash a nightmare into reality. I was never who I was when I was around you. The person you saw was the fantasy for me and John Stallion was my new reality. In medical terms, I was psychologically screwed. But many years later, we found each other again. And I will say now what I said then as I dropped to my knees to you: I am so sorry for what I had done to you.
3rd Story: This would have to be one of my favorite stories in the terms of comedy and coincidental outcome. We met for the first time on September 5th, 1988. It was the very first day of Kindergarten when I first saw you. I can still in a way remember you even back then. You were shy and very "girly." Yet you do did have a smile that glowed. I remember the days of playing outside at recess and playing our favorite game known only as one word: Vampire. Looking at it now, I think both you and I can say that game was silly and in certain ways dangerous. And also, thank you so much for biting a piece of flesh off of my arm. I still have the scar. But that actually isn't the story that reminds me most about you. It was during one day in 2nd grade. We had just finished eating lunch in the cafeteria and got back to Mrs. Mahar's class. The desks are set up 2x2, four desks for each set in groups around the classroom. You're sitting directly across from me. So close I could actually touch your feet with mine. We're in the middle of doing class work. I bend over to pull something out of my desk and before I knew it, I hear a sudden "blep" followed by a loud splattering sound. So to you, thank you so much for throwing up the Salisbury steak we had for lunch all over my desk.
4th Story: YOU! Oh, where to begin with you? We have known each other for nearly half our lives. We did not really start off as friends as I recall the famous "push" you gave me, sending me flying halfway down the school corridor. That hurt by the way. But more often then not, you and I remained loyal friends for life, with the exception of a few incidents that I will not reveal as they are appalling to all the parties involved. But let's face it, buddy, you and I have been through a ton of memories together that cannot all be told in just this one chapter of our lives. You were there for me and I was there for you. You are my brother and my pal for life. Love you, dude.
5th Story: There is something special about you that will forever remain a part of me. There is no doubt that the love I hold for you will ever diminish. You may not have been my first love, but you are my first TRUE love. Yet I took you for granted and was unable to control my explosive anger that I unleashed not only upon you, but everyone. I didn't hate you, although I may have said it. I hated myself and could not control my emotions at all. I hurt you, your family, your friends, but most of all, I hurt our son with my anger. I was unable to help myself with how I was feeling, therefore could not help anyone or anything else. Yet I always felt like I could contain and control the situations. I had power over nothing and I refused to ever look at it that way. Looking back on what I had done, the only person I ever hated was me. For another time, even as I am writing this short story involving you, please forgive me for every piece of wrong I ever did to you, your family and our baby boy.
6th Story: Though it may seem unethical to put your story right after the previous one, I really hope you do not take offense to it. Actually, I just hope you don't take offense to me adding you, period. Anywho... technically you can say that you and I met in a virtual role-playing world. The only nickname I had for you at that time was "Buffalo." That later changed of course. I can remember the online talks we had. Then we said, "Hey, wanna meet sometime?" Given the distance of travel I had to go just to meet you was at first frightening enough. Over 900 miles of travel in 26 hours. Still I thought it would be rather fun. Get out on my own, meet a beautiful woman and see the sights. $282 later...*cough*... it finally happened. July 4th, 2006 I finally got to see you in person for the first time. I remember it completely. You were about as timid as Piglet himself, twiddling your thumbs, walking cautiously toward my hotel room, not mention keeping your distance too. By the way, sorry for scaring you when I "psst-ed" you. I remember when I first hugged you. Our eyes met, it was just a never-ending moment for me. Yeah, you're probably thinking, "Oh, brother" by now, but hey that's what happened and how I felt. We went out to the Lake and... well semi-watched the fireworks. We were more preoccupied with walking around the Lake and talking to each other. Later that night we sat in grass outside the house under the stars and talked endlessly. It was in that moment where I truly felt something for you. Our relationship started miles away and although it ended due to a "lie" and dreadful mistake I made, I will always treasure that day as the fondest memory I have of you... and I will never ever forget the "Rhino" and Sunburst either.
7th Story: Except for my own mother, I have known you longer than any other person in my life. I don't recall actually meeting you on September 5th, 1988 but I definitely recall seeing your daughter for the first time, and since she doesn't have an online profile I have to combine both yours and hers... but to an extent of course. The very time I met your daughter, I remember going to my mother that day after school and saying, "I'm going to school with an angel." Me, her and you have all gone through a million and one memories together. Memories that would take a life time to repeat one by one. Again, except for my mother, never has a love I had for someone been so pure and unending. You became my second loving mother and "Marie" became my beautiful sister. I love both of you with all of my heart and I will never stop loving you. That is a promise I keep forever.
8th Story: This is the saddest moment of my life and it surrounds many of my past and current friends. I grew up with you, so I guess you can say you knew me your whole life. We hardly ever hung out at all but yet I knew who you were. Your hair was like a golden river. Your eyes were like a cloudless sky. Your beauty was magnificent. You were an angel. Monday, June 27th, 1999 I found you headlined in the newspaper. I didn't know what to think. I could not believe what I just read. I forced myself not to believe it. But on that following Wednesday, I found out for sure that it was true. You were gone. Taken from here to return Home. Though I did not really know you well, learning of your being gone threw me into a panic. For two weeks straight I cried for you. Rivers of tears poured out of me because I felt like this world had lost something so beautiful it was irreplaceable. No one as beautiful as you could ever exist again, and we know its true. Not one single human being on this planet looks exactly 100% alike, even for "identical" twins. I have mourned you for more than 10 years. But I have finally moved on. I will always miss you, Amy, and I hope you can forgive me for any wrong I ever caused you.
9th and Final Story: This is the only story of which I know exactly the date AND time of when it all began. December 22nd, 1982 at 9:40am: the day I finally saw the face of whose sciatic I had been sitting on for nine whole months. What can I say; my mother and I have gone through ALL of my memories together, except for those which have remained private. I will have to say that she is the best parent any child could ever hope for. I was never born with a "silver spoon" in my mouth, and my mother never showered me with gifts either. She taught me morals, life lessons and self-discipline. That to me is better than any action figure, video game or movie she ever bought for me. She never gave up on me and now that I am nearing 30 years old, I know full well she never will give up. Love you, mom.
I really hope all of you enjoyed and appreciated reading the part of me that matters most: friends, family and the memories we shared. If we forget about the ones we have encountered, we lose a part of ourselves as they lose a part of themselves as well. Love or hate, just never forget that we all shared something together.
1st Story: For many, many years you and I became naturally enemies. Starting in elementary school and going all the way to 8th grade, it was almost non-stop school yard chaos between us. We were arch-rivals and everybody knew about it yet no one did anything to stop it, including teachers and staff. To this day I am deeply surprised our confrontations never resulted into anything physical. During the time I spent after school and away from you, I hated you for raising my anger to an unusual peak. My hatred toward you was so unbearable at times, but I never once brought that hatred back to the school yards, because I always thought that perhaps one day things would change between us. The days you drove me beyond my breaking point I wished something good would come out even more. For many years, nothing and I was left with a five-day torment every week. But something good did come out of it and a big change occurred. We became very good friends in high school. We did not fight once. We respected each other and laughed together. Throughout everything you and I have been through, I only have one thing to say to you: I am blessed to have you part of my life and honored to be your friend.
2nd Story: October 31, 1998. A notorious and well-known story that keeps reminding me of one of the most special moments in my life. You were the first one I ever asked to marry. I unfortunately screwed that up by doubting our relationship and being overloaded with self-induced suspicions as well as false information by third parties. My mental instability took a violent turn into a world of schizophrenia and delusions. I was unable to control the way I thought or felt due to all the stress I allowed to consume me. As a result I created a fictional character I called "John Stallion" and proceeded to unleash a nightmare into reality. I was never who I was when I was around you. The person you saw was the fantasy for me and John Stallion was my new reality. In medical terms, I was psychologically screwed. But many years later, we found each other again. And I will say now what I said then as I dropped to my knees to you: I am so sorry for what I had done to you.
3rd Story: This would have to be one of my favorite stories in the terms of comedy and coincidental outcome. We met for the first time on September 5th, 1988. It was the very first day of Kindergarten when I first saw you. I can still in a way remember you even back then. You were shy and very "girly." Yet you do did have a smile that glowed. I remember the days of playing outside at recess and playing our favorite game known only as one word: Vampire. Looking at it now, I think both you and I can say that game was silly and in certain ways dangerous. And also, thank you so much for biting a piece of flesh off of my arm. I still have the scar. But that actually isn't the story that reminds me most about you. It was during one day in 2nd grade. We had just finished eating lunch in the cafeteria and got back to Mrs. Mahar's class. The desks are set up 2x2, four desks for each set in groups around the classroom. You're sitting directly across from me. So close I could actually touch your feet with mine. We're in the middle of doing class work. I bend over to pull something out of my desk and before I knew it, I hear a sudden "blep" followed by a loud splattering sound. So to you, thank you so much for throwing up the Salisbury steak we had for lunch all over my desk.
4th Story: YOU! Oh, where to begin with you? We have known each other for nearly half our lives. We did not really start off as friends as I recall the famous "push" you gave me, sending me flying halfway down the school corridor. That hurt by the way. But more often then not, you and I remained loyal friends for life, with the exception of a few incidents that I will not reveal as they are appalling to all the parties involved. But let's face it, buddy, you and I have been through a ton of memories together that cannot all be told in just this one chapter of our lives. You were there for me and I was there for you. You are my brother and my pal for life. Love you, dude.
5th Story: There is something special about you that will forever remain a part of me. There is no doubt that the love I hold for you will ever diminish. You may not have been my first love, but you are my first TRUE love. Yet I took you for granted and was unable to control my explosive anger that I unleashed not only upon you, but everyone. I didn't hate you, although I may have said it. I hated myself and could not control my emotions at all. I hurt you, your family, your friends, but most of all, I hurt our son with my anger. I was unable to help myself with how I was feeling, therefore could not help anyone or anything else. Yet I always felt like I could contain and control the situations. I had power over nothing and I refused to ever look at it that way. Looking back on what I had done, the only person I ever hated was me. For another time, even as I am writing this short story involving you, please forgive me for every piece of wrong I ever did to you, your family and our baby boy.
6th Story: Though it may seem unethical to put your story right after the previous one, I really hope you do not take offense to it. Actually, I just hope you don't take offense to me adding you, period. Anywho... technically you can say that you and I met in a virtual role-playing world. The only nickname I had for you at that time was "Buffalo." That later changed of course. I can remember the online talks we had. Then we said, "Hey, wanna meet sometime?" Given the distance of travel I had to go just to meet you was at first frightening enough. Over 900 miles of travel in 26 hours. Still I thought it would be rather fun. Get out on my own, meet a beautiful woman and see the sights. $282 later...*cough*... it finally happened. July 4th, 2006 I finally got to see you in person for the first time. I remember it completely. You were about as timid as Piglet himself, twiddling your thumbs, walking cautiously toward my hotel room, not mention keeping your distance too. By the way, sorry for scaring you when I "psst-ed" you. I remember when I first hugged you. Our eyes met, it was just a never-ending moment for me. Yeah, you're probably thinking, "Oh, brother" by now, but hey that's what happened and how I felt. We went out to the Lake and... well semi-watched the fireworks. We were more preoccupied with walking around the Lake and talking to each other. Later that night we sat in grass outside the house under the stars and talked endlessly. It was in that moment where I truly felt something for you. Our relationship started miles away and although it ended due to a "lie" and dreadful mistake I made, I will always treasure that day as the fondest memory I have of you... and I will never ever forget the "Rhino" and Sunburst either.
7th Story: Except for my own mother, I have known you longer than any other person in my life. I don't recall actually meeting you on September 5th, 1988 but I definitely recall seeing your daughter for the first time, and since she doesn't have an online profile I have to combine both yours and hers... but to an extent of course. The very time I met your daughter, I remember going to my mother that day after school and saying, "I'm going to school with an angel." Me, her and you have all gone through a million and one memories together. Memories that would take a life time to repeat one by one. Again, except for my mother, never has a love I had for someone been so pure and unending. You became my second loving mother and "Marie" became my beautiful sister. I love both of you with all of my heart and I will never stop loving you. That is a promise I keep forever.
8th Story: This is the saddest moment of my life and it surrounds many of my past and current friends. I grew up with you, so I guess you can say you knew me your whole life. We hardly ever hung out at all but yet I knew who you were. Your hair was like a golden river. Your eyes were like a cloudless sky. Your beauty was magnificent. You were an angel. Monday, June 27th, 1999 I found you headlined in the newspaper. I didn't know what to think. I could not believe what I just read. I forced myself not to believe it. But on that following Wednesday, I found out for sure that it was true. You were gone. Taken from here to return Home. Though I did not really know you well, learning of your being gone threw me into a panic. For two weeks straight I cried for you. Rivers of tears poured out of me because I felt like this world had lost something so beautiful it was irreplaceable. No one as beautiful as you could ever exist again, and we know its true. Not one single human being on this planet looks exactly 100% alike, even for "identical" twins. I have mourned you for more than 10 years. But I have finally moved on. I will always miss you, Amy, and I hope you can forgive me for any wrong I ever caused you.
9th and Final Story: This is the only story of which I know exactly the date AND time of when it all began. December 22nd, 1982 at 9:40am: the day I finally saw the face of whose sciatic I had been sitting on for nine whole months. What can I say; my mother and I have gone through ALL of my memories together, except for those which have remained private. I will have to say that she is the best parent any child could ever hope for. I was never born with a "silver spoon" in my mouth, and my mother never showered me with gifts either. She taught me morals, life lessons and self-discipline. That to me is better than any action figure, video game or movie she ever bought for me. She never gave up on me and now that I am nearing 30 years old, I know full well she never will give up. Love you, mom.
I really hope all of you enjoyed and appreciated reading the part of me that matters most: friends, family and the memories we shared. If we forget about the ones we have encountered, we lose a part of ourselves as they lose a part of themselves as well. Love or hate, just never forget that we all shared something together.
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